Creeping Into The FOURTH Day

Had a late night yesterday, but I was glad that afterall, I decided to go out and had a breather though it was a different friend that I met up with. My one-and-only oddball gf. Yes, she is so weirdly in-tune to my interests and likes...but still differ abit in our thinkings.

Went to beach, one of my fav places to sort out my thoughts, (honestly, there isn't much places to consider which provide serenity), it was a nice chat..more than nice as we exchange our opinions, analysed the situations, about how powerful the mind is, traded analogies (quite lame and ridiculous for some)...nothing pressurizing, or heavy, just like a light snack before the big feast (the real problem underneath that is looming to surface).

After a quick bite at Starbucks and slowly sipping our JCF and GTF, we proceeded to a more secluded part of the coast, more privacy, to enjoy WAVES therapy. It was a good therapy...felt so much better though trying hard not think about how dreadful it will be to be at home.

Quoted from a friend
"i think there's a mismatch in what he wants and what you want, he is contented
you want to experience life"

EXACTLY. He hit the nail on the head. I had not call him as a buddy for nothing. Love you...you are one true friend who never hestitate to "slap" me back to reality and at the same time, understands fully what my hearts is tugging at.

Do You Know...

Do you know...


Why did the wind blow?

Where did the clouds go?

Whom does the flowers dance for?


And even now, do you know,



Why did the wind stop blowing?

Why did the clouds stop moving?

Why did the flowers stop their dancing?


Still, do you know...

On The Brink...

I am on the brink of losing it, losing my sanity over something that is beyond my control. I am trapped by circumstances and/ or by the previous choices that I had made that had led me to where I am right now. The more I tried not to think about it, the more I am thinking about it, because I kept reminding myself not to think about it. But subconsciously, I am thinking about it every sickening seconds of my life. See, signs of losing sanity that I am not really talking sense right now. Even beginning to feel kinda suicidal...but lack the courage. The tiniest bit of compassion I had for my loved ones is keeping me in check. Seriously, how long that tiniest bit is going to sustain my sanity, I totally had no idea. Maybe when all hell break loose, I lose consciousness, self-awareness. I am hanging on, by only a fraying thin thread, which will snap and give way any minute.

Day THREE

Today is Day 3, and I am still feeling terrible, if not more, neither is it any lesser. The worst part, I had to come back to work and put on a pretense. But, I fared quite badly, co-workers asked me why I look so glum. Er...didn't really bother to explain which would only be getting myself drowned by more and more questions. This is really hard, and time is passing so slowly...almost to the extent of dragging. What a way to end my 2008!

What is it that I wanted? A way out? An answer to my dilemmas? An escaped route? My oddball gf called me CJ which stands for Coward/ Contradictory J, but aren't we all, escaping every now and then, in our daily lives? We all are, admit or not, and I am sick of it literally.

I WANT TO BREAK FREE, I WANT TO ESCAPE, I WANT MY FREEDOM BACK, I WANT TO FEEL LIBERATED!!


But I can't...

Excerpt II

Tears flowed like nobody business, somehow, the tear glands are hyperactive now...and it is causing pain...but not as painful as heartache. Like a cold knife, stabbing hard, repeatedly, at the same wounded spot. And I am bleeding, silently, I am screaming, but no words came out.

I want to run, as far as my legs could take me, endlessly...without stopping for even a single second, until...I am out and away from this jaded life.

Who...can bring me away, and help me to break free, or make me disappear into the atmosphere? Can you?

Excerpt I

I am breaking at the seams. I feel terrible and miserable now, and I know he is as confused as I am, with my non-chalant attitude towards him. But I don't know how to react or put up a pretense. The last thing I ever wanted to do is to hurt him but yet it is hurting me so much inside me, like the soul screaming to get out of this lifeless shell, or like the lungs gasping for air. How am I capable of making my loved ones understand what I am going through, and that this isn't any easier for them as it is for me. The pain, the guilt, the explanation. I longed to break free, and somehow, the emotions and feelings got intensified to an almost uncontrollable degree.

Trapped...Helplessly

I wanted to scream out loud but I was unable to, I wanted to escape but my legs wouldn't take me, I wanted to break free but my strength left me. I felt trapped...the feelings hadn't been so strong before...so trapped...within my soul...what else can I do? But to curb these strong emotions trapped within me...how much longer can I hold out? Was he right by saying that I am really not happy? It was all but a facade? I wished I could talk to him right now, yet I don't wish to worry him unnecessary. Just helplessly trapped...forever in this jaded life...jaded soul.

On The Very Night Of Christmas Day

(i am typing this so that you don't have to suffer pain in the eyes and brain trying to decipher my handwriting..you'll know why in a minute)

Music: Kevin Kern {Imagination's light}
Mood: Mixed

Kinda having mixed feelings, albeit the soothing contemporary piano accompanied in the background, I am still feeling frustrated. Can't seem to get the PC booted up for no apparent reason, mouse not working and it gets on my nerves trying to manoeuvre my way around just by using the keyboard, which is unfortunately, my only ally to get where I want to be (read: on the web). I am desperate, in a need (that's an understatement!!), to write something, to pen my thoughts. Finally, I gave up (the idea of using a PC), instead, to turn to doing it manually. Yes, back to basics, with a pen and a piece of paper. It is hard even to try to get a pen that can write smoothly. Even now before I get to the gist, my handwriting is getting messy, illegible to the core. Urgh...ok, take 3 deep breaths....and count to 10. It is not so difficult after all, I feel so much better now, able to recollect my thoughts. That were, just awhile ago, running frenzy, literally.

I am at home, yet not so at home. Just that, this used to be my home, (it's still is, in some sense), where I spent most of my adolescent years and adulthood. At this very moment, I enjoyed every moment of my solitary. I used to dread loneliness, I still do, very little though. In actual fact, there are so many things that I now enjoyed doing it alone, because being alone, sets me thinking about lotsa stuff. Thinking back, if I were given a choice, I'll probably not choose the path that I am on right now. Not that I am suffering or what, and in some ways, I am truly blessed. But somehow, something is missing in my life. Like a missing puzzle, a void that cannot be ignored. And that missing piece proved its significance to be equally important and essential to complete the whole picture.

Quite often, I am feeling exactly the way I am feeling right now and I can't quite explain it explicitly. In the same way, I am not capable to fully expressing how it tugs at my heart, and the deficit in my vocab doesn't help much either. I had always question my existence, if I belonged to to another part of the world. How would things turn out to be if I had taken a different route? But being brought up in an asian country with asian values, I am less spontaneous than my fairer counterparts. There are so much to life, and yet here I am, stuck in this current situation, with nowhere to go. My choices are limited by the many people that will get affected by me. I was no longer just responsible for myself. I longed to be free.

How wishful my thinking is, that I'll be able to turn back the hands of time, that I may revived some of the regrets in my life.

Yet deep down in my heart, I know that I am dreaming and I should face up to reality. Seriously, I wished I am dreaming now, and that all these are facade and will disappeared once I opened my eyes. And then to find myself, in London or Paris, at a sidewalk cafe, people watching. A camera slung around my neck, while sipping at my cuppa of capz, I continued to snap pictures of the beautiful people who walked by me. And perhaps, I'll find that someone who is doing the exact same things as me. Someone who shared the same thoughts, vision and inspirations. Someone who can translates my thoughts, someone who can read me, someone...my very soulmate. I continued to dream, even though I know the possibility of this happening is somewhat similar to the near zero possibility that it will snow on this part of the planet, I still harbored this sweet sweet and irresistible dream of mine, dearly, close to my heart.

Now I wondered what Ed. C might be doing? Chuckled.