I like his ballads, the way he serenades them even though most of the time, it's pretty unclear and muffled. But the effect it never failed to have on me, is the past re-enacting vividly in my conscious being. This particular song is **An Jing**. (Turn on your speakers)
Although it is always said that there is no absolute right or wrong in a relationship gone wrong. At that instant, I hated him to the core. I cannot fully comprehend how can he betrayed my feelings, my trust and our relationship just like that. The empty promises were nothing but just lies. I can't accept and come to terms that he left me for another girl with the reason, that I was too good to him and he feel pressured. It was never to my understanding how, by loving a person drives him away. Prior to his departure, he said the love still exist but not as strong as before. Why did he still not telling the truth even at the very last minute? Sympathy was the last thing I needed. By saying all that just doesn't make me feel any better. Perhaps, it made him less guilty. On the whole, I just felt cheated. To an extent, I even blamed myself for the outcome of the relationship and believed that it was just purely retribution.
The days after that were long and dreadful. I felt like the whole world crashed on me. In the midst of pursuing my part-time degree (read: stress, stress, and more stress), something else happened to me. It is despicabe to take advantage of another human being when she is at her most vulnerable point of her life. When things go wrong, it will go wrong all the way than you can ever imagine. Chaotic. Depressed. Low self-esteem. I cried myself silly. Was just so weak when it comes to the affairs of the heart. But...grateful of those friends who never gave up on me. Who lent me a hand, to pick me up, support and encourage me when I felt helpless. Who love me all the same without asking anyting in return.
After months of lows, I just woke up, realising that it's torturous if I don't let go. Punishing myself in this way, grieving for a lost loved is just not worth it. I have no regrets loving him at all because I put my 100% into it. The feelings were just not reciprocated the way I hope it to be. It left a deep scar in me.
I can still remember him saying this to me..."a relationship is just like flying kite. You have to learn to hold it tight and yet at the same time let it loose. If you hold it too tightly in your hand, the string will break eventually. If you let loose, the kite will fly far far away from you and never return. Learn to handle the relationship in the same way".
If you are not committed to a relationship, I beesch you to be truthful to yourself and kindess to the other party. For you'll never know how hurting it can be and the scars it will leave behind...permanently.
Though I am now in a happy relationship but I do still have misgivings about a long-term committment...marriage.