Am I too opinionated? At times, I wonder why I let myself be bothered by all these worldly issues that makes serves no significant purpose in improving my self-worth. But because I care, being blissfully happy is what I hope you to be. Often than not, I found out that it is actually beyond my ability. Happiness is not something that someone can give you, you'll have to create them, be part of the process. Then you find that someone to share this utmost and intense joy with you.
Sadly, your feelings, thinkings are manipulated by him and him alone. This is because you let him to. You let him control your actions, your decisions, your everything which at times makes you unhappy but you still abide to it. Why is that so is something I cannot comprehend. I always believed that we have to stand up to ourselves, be responsible for our decisons and its consequences. Our decisions may not be always right but at least we tried to stand on our own feet. Learn from the failures or enjoy the success. Human is to err, my dear friend.
Many times I was angry with you because my advice fell on deaf ears. I was disappointed when the reason for your rejection is because he said no and not truly from your heart. Repeatedly, you come to me with the same set of problems. My solution is always the same. BE YOURSELF. Answer to yourself. Make decisions yourself. Do things for yourself. Be independent. Learn to love yourself.
Bear in mind. Good friends are hard to come by. Do not expect to find friends only when you are down and out. To disappear when things are going great for you. This is also a relationship that you have to maintain that need efforts and your time. Having said that, this is also one of the problems you have which you don't realise it. When you have problems, you start to panic. When you are not on his priority list or he is out-stationed, you are overwhelmed by the loneliness. Frantically, you tried to dial every friend and get them out for a "gathering". To listen to your woes, to offer you advices, to keep you company. I have no qualms about doing that for you. To be there when you needed me. But it shouldn't be that way. Friends should be treated with respect and love.
If your world is confined only to you and him, it will be a shallow and uninteresting relationship you are going to have. Soon, you'll be left behind by your friends because you don't even bother to take time off to say hi. Many times, I felt like walking away. But I don't have the heart for I know you don't have that many friends. Not trying to be noble, but I hope one day, you'll understand that you are living for yourself and not for him.