Be Yourself

Am I too opinionated? At times, I wonder why I let myself be bothered by all these worldly issues that makes serves no significant purpose in improving my self-worth. But because I care, being blissfully happy is what I hope you to be. Often than not, I found out that it is actually beyond my ability. Happiness is not something that someone can give you, you'll have to create them, be part of the process. Then you find that someone to share this utmost and intense joy with you.

Sadly, your feelings, thinkings are manipulated by him and him alone. This is because you let him to. You let him control your actions, your decisions, your everything which at times makes you unhappy but you still abide to it. Why is that so is something I cannot comprehend. I always believed that we have to stand up to ourselves, be responsible for our decisons and its consequences. Our decisions may not be always right but at least we tried to stand on our own feet. Learn from the failures or enjoy the success. Human is to err, my dear friend.

Many times I was angry with you because my advice fell on deaf ears. I was disappointed when the reason for your rejection is because he said no and not truly from your heart. Repeatedly, you come to me with the same set of problems. My solution is always the same. BE YOURSELF. Answer to yourself. Make decisions yourself. Do things for yourself. Be independent. Learn to love yourself.

Bear in mind. Good friends are hard to come by. Do not expect to find friends only when you are down and out. To disappear when things are going great for you. This is also a relationship that you have to maintain that need efforts and your time. Having said that, this is also one of the problems you have which you don't realise it. When you have problems, you start to panic. When you are not on his priority list or he is out-stationed, you are overwhelmed by the loneliness. Frantically, you tried to dial every friend and get them out for a "gathering". To listen to your woes, to offer you advices, to keep you company. I have no qualms about doing that for you. To be there when you needed me. But it shouldn't be that way. Friends should be treated with respect and love.

If your world is confined only to you and him, it will be a shallow and uninteresting relationship you are going to have. Soon, you'll be left behind by your friends because you don't even bother to take time off to say hi. Many times, I felt like walking away. But I don't have the heart for I know you don't have that many friends. Not trying to be noble, but I hope one day, you'll understand that you are living for yourself and not for him.

Jay Chou

I like his ballads, the way he serenades them even though most of the time, it's pretty unclear and muffled. But the effect it never failed to have on me, is the past re-enacting vividly in my conscious being. This particular song is **An Jing**. (Turn on your speakers)

Although it is always said that there is no absolute right or wrong in a relationship gone wrong. At that instant, I hated him to the core. I cannot fully comprehend how can he betrayed my feelings, my trust and our relationship just like that. The empty promises were nothing but just lies. I can't accept and come to terms that he left me for another girl with the reason, that I was too good to him and he feel pressured. It was never to my understanding how, by loving a person drives him away. Prior to his departure, he said the love still exist but not as strong as before. Why did he still not telling the truth even at the very last minute? Sympathy was the last thing I needed. By saying all that just doesn't make me feel any better. Perhaps, it made him less guilty. On the whole, I just felt cheated. To an extent, I even blamed myself for the outcome of the relationship and believed that it was just purely retribution.

The days after that were long and dreadful. I felt like the whole world crashed on me. In the midst of pursuing my part-time degree (read: stress, stress, and more stress), something else happened to me. It is despicabe to take advantage of another human being when she is at her most vulnerable point of her life. When things go wrong, it will go wrong all the way than you can ever imagine. Chaotic. Depressed. Low self-esteem. I cried myself silly. Was just so weak when it comes to the affairs of the heart. But...grateful of those friends who never gave up on me. Who lent me a hand, to pick me up, support and encourage me when I felt helpless. Who love me all the same without asking anyting in return.

After months of lows, I just woke up, realising that it's torturous if I don't let go. Punishing myself in this way, grieving for a lost loved is just not worth it. I have no regrets loving him at all because I put my 100% into it. The feelings were just not reciprocated the way I hope it to be. It left a deep scar in me.

I can still remember him saying this to me..."a relationship is just like flying kite. You have to learn to hold it tight and yet at the same time let it loose. If you hold it too tightly in your hand, the string will break eventually. If you let loose, the kite will fly far far away from you and never return. Learn to handle the relationship in the same way".

If you are not committed to a relationship, I beesch you to be truthful to yourself and kindess to the other party. For you'll never know how hurting it can be and the scars it will leave behind...permanently.

Though I am now in a happy relationship but I do still have misgivings about a long-term committment...marriage.

Oh, Wandering Soul

You, oh wandering soul
So near yet so far
Once you were by my side
Now you took your flight

Inside my heart I knew
You, oh wandering soul
Even with my arms outstretched
I can never keep by my side

Where art thou?
Wander not away from me
You, oh wandering soul
Jaded, futile, lifeless without you

Lest I fall deeper within
Letting go is the least that I could
Having you was never meant to be
You, oh wandering soul

Regrets

My greatest regret in life is letting you go
And not able to hold you back
Now that you are gone
And in someone else's arms
I can't hold back the tears
Streaming down like a river
Once was mine to embrace
But now is gone forever
Do you know the pain inside
The hurt that hides behind
No words can ever describes
The pain will never subsides

Mindless Ramblings

The hot and humid weather is driving me crazy, the main sole reason why I am still up and about when I should be dreaming of myself riding alongside with my prince-charming at some enchanted 1930s chateau in the beautiful yet undiscovered land of the French countryside. Yes, it (the hot weather) is also responsible for this gibberish talk. I need to get some rest.

Real Or Reel?

I have this weird thought about myself. What if one day, I woke up to find out that I am actually not the person whom I am supposed to be but rather I am just someone whom others perceived me to be, one that will fit into the niche of the society. Or in other words, is there a hidden side of me? Another dimension of my being that nobody knows, that me, myself dare not venture into. A dark side, perhaps. Ugly insights of my thoughts and doings that are beyond apprehension. The consequences are irreversible. A series of myriad unknowns. Real or reel? Which is me?

These thoughts spiralled into a spiel of more uncertainties, my real identity and undoubtedly, the purpose of my existence on this part of the Earth. Am I about to embark on a spiritual odyssey of self-discovery?