I came to know GOD through my eldest sister when I was in my teens. It was an exhilarating experience. I was invited to watch a play in a reaching-out-gospel-sharing event. The play was truly entertaining and sent me into heaps of laughter. But the most memorable part was nearing the end of the event. We were asked, if we wanted, to say the Lord's Prayer to accept Christ as our Saviour. (read: to be christians). Honestly, I didn't know why then, I raised up my hand.
The moment I closed my eyes to say the Lord's Prayer, I feel a sense of uneasiness. Images of my parents flooded my mind. It dawned on me at that moment that if ever my parents were to pass on one fine day, I will not be able to pay respect to them. By means of burning joss sticks of course for it was believed to be worshipping. We should only worship GOD, the One and only Almighty. At my tender age back then, I was flustered and didn't know what to do. Wondering if I can null the prayer that took place just minutes ago.
The event was over and left me with uncertainties on my mind. My supposing new lease of life as christian started and ended on the same note. It was after several years later on a orientation day event, that i came across Campus Crusade for Christ. Back then, I re-accepted Christ and said the Lord's Prayer. Without an doubt and also without any clue, why I came to the decision. But GOD always works in the most miraculous ways, that no one perhaps only HIM can offered a good explanation. It was so much better for this time, no images of my parents flashes across, no nothing.
When semester started, I diligently attended the bible study with one of the senior. Once weekly, but soon it was a chore to meet up. There's nothing wrong with my sister-in-christ, I was just not committed enough. I also attended my sister's church (just once) and later changed to a nearby church, introduced by her friends. I attendedthe church service every Sunday religiously though at times I skipped to watch cartoon or just plain lazy to wake up. It started fine but soon I felt trapped. Everyone seemed to know me even though I have never met them before. But sad to say, none knew me personally. Just by a twinkle at the corner of their eyes, I could almost hear them saying, "oh this is so and so sister". I bet they wouldn't even know my name (except for a minority). No sense of belonging.
Soon I met my 2nd boyfriend who is also a Christian. It just happened that he is also, at that time, attending a nearby church. For a start, we attended our own church till it was time for him to be enlisted to the army. We thought it would be better if we could attend the same church, it inevidently created more chance for us to meet especially when weekends are precious to us. Bethesda Cathedral, located at Chai Chee was our home church for the next 2-3 years. Without failed, we go for oikos on friday nights and sermon on sunday morning. Occasionally, we would helped out in the children's ministry. Honestly, he was more faithful than me in any ways. I felt pressurized. I was never (not even now) well-versed in the Bible. Somehow, I felt I was a stumbling block to him to be close to GOD. We had arguments regarding our faith though we always managed to work through it. My faith was just not strong enough to resist temptations of the secular world. I ceased going to church after we broke up for I felt awkward seeing him again.
Until now, it has been years since I attended a church service. I very much wanted to find a church where I feel a sense of belonging. To go to a church where at least I know of a person who will help me walk the life of a christian. But somehow the moment I felt a strong urge to attend service, and when my sister offered me her church, I almost instantanteously harbour second thoughts. I need to re-discover and re-evaluate my life as a christian. I felt like a lost sheep looking for the shepherd.
Though my faith is not strong, I still consider myself as a christian. I longed forthe day where my walk with GOD is deepened spiritually. For christian is not a religion, it is a nurturing relationship with our Heavenly Father.
May GOD send me someone who will bring me to church so that in time to come, I can blessed those around me and be a good testimony to them. Amen.
***with intense emotions and quirky thoughts, moi churn out this blog***